The miscarriage story

After 2 days bedresting in the hospital, the bleeding seems to subside. I was happy to see no more fresh blood on my pad. Stains je. Yippee!! Boleh balik la ni, I thought.

Sepanjang I kat hospital they took my blood twice (48 hours apart). Dr Tan explained that the test results of those 2 samples will be compared. My HCG hormone level should rise up by 60% to indicate a progressive pregnancy. After the results came out, she came to see me to share the news.

“Your test results are not so good. The first HCG count is 1000 and the second is only 300. Usually, that’s an indicator that this pregnancy is not viable.”

I was trying to stay calm while listening to her. She wanted to do an ultrasound to double check and discuss D&C. She wanted me to be ready for any possibilities. I cuma kata “Let’s see the ultrasound first. Let me discuss with my husband and family.” Deep down inside, my heart said, “No way I’m going to do a D&C when I still have an HCG reading. 300 is still a number.”

Gee wasn’t there. He was at his mom’s with the kids for buka puasa. I called him and cried. Nak bercakap pun dia tak paham biji butir what I was saying. After composing myself, we discussed. We decided to wait. Wait for a miracle I guess.

At around 8pm, I went to take my shower. Suddenly something came out. Plup!! In the toilet bowl. Macam seketul daging. Small and bloody. Called the nurse and they took it out and inspected it. And they confirmed it’s it. My baby. My tiny 6-week embryo.

Called my mom and my family came to the hospital right away. Gee came with the kids right after. I was okay at that point. Although I was crushed inside, I redha. I took it all in slowly digesting the reality.

The next morning, Dr Tan came to check on me. She did another scan to make sure nothing is left inside. Alhamdulillah, semua dah keluar and no D&C needed. She just prescribed me with antibiotics and I was allowed to go home. Dapat MC to rest for a week.

We buried the embryo in our backyard. The hospital said “do you want to take it home or we can dispose it for you”. Baik bawak je balik kan. Tak kan nak biar them buang kot.

So that’s the story. Went home and rested some more. I received a lot of sms-es, calls, whatsapps, not forgetting comments on my FB and IG of well wishes, salam takziah and words of support. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Somehow those words of encouragement lifted up my spirit and kept me sane. Thank you to friends and families who reminded me to mandi wiladah, to berpantang, to keep my chin up, to think of my 2 beautiful boys, to rest a lot, to stay positive, among many others. I could have gone crazy without you. Of course I am most grateful to my Gee for taking care of the kids while I was in the hospital. To just be there when I needed a cry or to marah me when I need a snap out of it (that’s when I start talking nonsense la tu).

My little baby is now in a better place. I know this happened for a reason. A reason only Allah knows. Allah knows I can handle this loss better than anything. Allah knows I’m stronger that I know myself. Like I said, redha. I’m letting it go. Slowly but surely. Time will heal this pain.

Al-fatihah. I’ll see you when I see you sayang. Wait for mommy ya. I love you.



3 thoughts on “The miscarriage story

  1. Pingback: IY’s first milk tooth | Our Journal:This is us

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