2013 highlights

Let’s recap!

This year has been an eye opener for me. In so many ways. I think I have learned to look things quite differently. I learned to see people, situations and problems positively. Belajar bersangka baik is the most rewarding lesson for me. When I started joining the Instagram bandwagon, little did I know that I was going to get hooked! I enjoy following IGers who posts beautiful pictures from all over the world. Also love reading their quotes, stories and experiences through their posts. Totally inspiring.

This year we enrolled IY to Adni. I’m glad we made that decision. He has blossomed academically and spiritually. He loves school. Alhamdulillah we are blessed.

This year we had the chance to travel. Travel too, opened my eyes. It’s refreshing. As much as it was a challenge to travel with the kiddos, I am happy that the boys learn a lot of things through their journeys. I am looking forward to more travelling adventures with my family in 2014.

Not to forget, this year we had a baby and lost a baby. I had the best 6 weeks carrying him/her. I even had a Turkish name ready. Saja berangan. Hehe. I still think about it sometimes. Especially when I see a few of my friends who got pregnant almost the same time as I did. I couldn’t help wondering how big my tummy would have gotten if I was still pregnant. But oh well, I know Allah knows me well. This is for the best.

Tahun ini adalah tahun kucing. At least for us lah. Haha! Budet came into our lives early this year and since then we kinda became cat people. But without really having cats as pets. I am still scared of them but as long as they keep the distance, I’m okay.

I never mention about Oggy in this blog, have I? A few months back, we brought back a stray cat (we named him Oggy). He had a severe case of skin rash and dehydrated. We took him to the vet and he was cured. All the while we kept him in our backyard. Sangat manja selalu nak memboloskan diri masuk rumah but we never let him in. Pandai dia tak pegi mana-mana pun masa sakit tu. Makan tidur je kerjanya. Garang pulak tu tak kasi kucing lain datang nak makan food yang kitaorang serve. Padahal boleh je share kan? Cehh! During our UK trip, we weren’t worried of his survival ability since he was a stray cat. Pandai la cari makan sendiri kalau dah habis stock Friskies tu. We put a whole lot of cat food and a bowl of water under the porch before we left. That was the last we saw him. He never came back. Hubby sedih jugak and search for him but I guess jodoh kami dengan Oggy sampai situ sahaja. I hope he is well wherever he is right now.

Sekarang kucing-kucing lain kembali untuk makan the Friskies we put in our backyard everyday. Pandai je share takde gaduh-gaduh. Dulu semua takut dengan Oggy. Hehe.

So I guess all of the above would be my highlights of 2013. I hope next year will bring us more rezeki and happiness.

Wishing all my readers a happy 2014. Toodles!

-Pu3-

Confinement after miscarriage

It’s been a week plus and I’m feeling much better now — physically. Emotionally — ok la jugak..sesekali teringat kat dia and jenguk luar tingkap backyard bila rindu.

It never crossed my mind that I needed to berpantang after my miscarriage. Luckily, ramai yang mengingatkan. Fuhh sangat ramai. Although no need to pantang like a real mommy yang beranak, I followed a few pantang regimes yang make sense lah (to me at least!).

1. Rest – of course this is my no one priority. I just sleep whenever I feel like it (albeit the boys being noisy and bugging me wanting this and that). Daddy layan their needs. Thank you sayang.

2. Food and drinks – No ice no cold stuff rules. I eat almost macam biasa but still being picky.

3. Jamu – I am not a jamu person. Never makan jamu when I had IY and Z. Tapi this time I decided nak give it a try. Tapi tak beli la the whole set. Just the necessary ones from Nona Roguy.

4. Bengkung – My uterus dah start mengembang although I was only 6w carrying the baby. I no longer bf Z so I had no natural mechanism to shrink it. So I braced myself to this! Sapu the Pati Halia cream and lilit myself with the traditional bengkung yang panjang tu. Alternate la dengan PB girdle and waist nipper. It felt good walaupun agak susah nak gerak and jalan macam robot. Tapi takde la pakai all the time macam pantang betul. Amik syarat je la.

The rest semua macam biasa. My life goes on as usual. I didn’t confine myself dalam rumah nor did I pakai socks sweater all the time. I couldn’t bring myself to do that. Boleh jadi meroyan stress kot I buat macam tu! And being stressed is a total no-no for me. So far I’m planning to do all of the above for about 2 weeks. Cukup la tu kan?

I was back in the office working after 6 days. Work is a good distraction. I don’t think much of it anymore. But of course, my baby is in my doa all the time.

One thing I wanted to do tapi belum berkesempatan is a body massage. Dapat full package pun sedap nih! InsyaAllah will do it soon.

-Pu3-

The miscarriage story

After 2 days bedresting in the hospital, the bleeding seems to subside. I was happy to see no more fresh blood on my pad. Stains je. Yippee!! Boleh balik la ni, I thought.

Sepanjang I kat hospital they took my blood twice (48 hours apart). Dr Tan explained that the test results of those 2 samples will be compared. My HCG hormone level should rise up by 60% to indicate a progressive pregnancy. After the results came out, she came to see me to share the news.

“Your test results are not so good. The first HCG count is 1000 and the second is only 300. Usually, that’s an indicator that this pregnancy is not viable.”

I was trying to stay calm while listening to her. She wanted to do an ultrasound to double check and discuss D&C. She wanted me to be ready for any possibilities. I cuma kata “Let’s see the ultrasound first. Let me discuss with my husband and family.” Deep down inside, my heart said, “No way I’m going to do a D&C when I still have an HCG reading. 300 is still a number.”

Gee wasn’t there. He was at his mom’s with the kids for buka puasa. I called him and cried. Nak bercakap pun dia tak paham biji butir what I was saying. After composing myself, we discussed. We decided to wait. Wait for a miracle I guess.

At around 8pm, I went to take my shower. Suddenly something came out. Plup!! In the toilet bowl. Macam seketul daging. Small and bloody. Called the nurse and they took it out and inspected it. And they confirmed it’s it. My baby. My tiny 6-week embryo.

Called my mom and my family came to the hospital right away. Gee came with the kids right after. I was okay at that point. Although I was crushed inside, I redha. I took it all in slowly digesting the reality.

The next morning, Dr Tan came to check on me. She did another scan to make sure nothing is left inside. Alhamdulillah, semua dah keluar and no D&C needed. She just prescribed me with antibiotics and I was allowed to go home. Dapat MC to rest for a week.

We buried the embryo in our backyard. The hospital said “do you want to take it home or we can dispose it for you”. Baik bawak je balik kan. Tak kan nak biar them buang kot.

So that’s the story. Went home and rested some more. I received a lot of sms-es, calls, whatsapps, not forgetting comments on my FB and IG of well wishes, salam takziah and words of support. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Somehow those words of encouragement lifted up my spirit and kept me sane. Thank you to friends and families who reminded me to mandi wiladah, to berpantang, to keep my chin up, to think of my 2 beautiful boys, to rest a lot, to stay positive, among many others. I could have gone crazy without you. Of course I am most grateful to my Gee for taking care of the kids while I was in the hospital. To just be there when I needed a cry or to marah me when I need a snap out of it (that’s when I start talking nonsense la tu).

My little baby is now in a better place. I know this happened for a reason. A reason only Allah knows. Allah knows I can handle this loss better than anything. Allah knows I’m stronger that I know myself. Like I said, redha. I’m letting it go. Slowly but surely. Time will heal this pain.

Al-fatihah. I’ll see you when I see you sayang. Wait for mommy ya. I love you.

-Pu3-

Our little angel

Last night 18 July 2013, we lost our baby. Innalillah. As much as I am sad and heart broken, saya redha. If this is not meant to be, it is not meant to be. Allah has better plans for me. Allah knows this is for the best.

Thank you for the well wishes and doa. Appreciate it very much.

Will talk more later. When I’m ready.

-Pu3-

Our little surprise

A little bun is in the oven! Coming our way 2014. InsyaAllah.

Alhamdulillah. Rezeki yang tidak disangka-sangka. All this while we were struggling to conceive IY and Z, this time around contraceptive pun tak lut. Effort-less! LOL!!

Doakan a smooth journey for me ya! Toodles!

-Pu3-

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The above was supposed to be the entry I’ve drafted to be published AFTER my first gynae appointment. I was waiting for Dr Seri to confirm baru nak announce officially.

I’m 6 weeks into my pregnancy now. Last Saturday I had some spotting and at first I thought it was nothing. Implantation bleeding is normal during the early days. I had that masa IY dulu. It should go away within days.

But on Sunday I was shocked to see spots of fresh blood. Oh my! I know that’s not a good sign. After berbuka, we went to the ER and the MO gave me a shot. He referred me to the gynae on call for a full checkup the next day. I didn’t go to the appointment sebab the gynae was a guy. I called up a few more hospitals to fix appointment with a female gynae. Cari yang paling cepat tak payah Q lama-lama. Dapat Dr Suriati kat Pantai Cheras. She did a vaginal scan (see why I didn’t want male doc?) and confirmed that there’s a sac but the baby is too small to be seen.

I was prescribed with Duphaston pills and a lot of bed rest. Jalan pun kena slow-slow macam orang dalam pantang. Went home and rested some more.

That night I started to feel menstrual cramps. Memang sebijik rasa macam tengah period. The pain was bearable though. Takde la sampai tergolek menonggeng punya senggugut. The next morning my pad was soaked with blood. Memang terkejut sangat-sangat. I showed the pad to Gee and had a good cry. Luluh rasa hati ini. Gee consoled me. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. I must try to fight for our baby.

My cramps come and go like waves of contractions. I decided to go to the ER again because I was worried. They sent me straight to the gynae on call clinic. Though she’s not Dr Seri, any lady doc is fine by me. Dr Tan is a lovely lady. Soft spoken and asked a lot of questions. I like her. She did a vaginal scan (again!) on me and I saw the same thing Dr Suriati showed me semalam. Since I already had my pills, Dr Tan didn’t prescribe me any drugs. Her only prescription was to admit me and let me have a bedrest. Full rest without the kids without distractions.

So here I am. In the hospital room. Lying on the bed. Bored and missing my kiddos. This will be the first time ever Zayyan sleeps without me over night. I wish daddy good luck!

Pray for me and baby ya. I just hope there’s still hope. No matter what God has decided, I know it’s for the best.

Dear Baby,

Mama is doing my best to keep you safe and warm until the day you’ll be born. Please do your best too to stay strong and hold on. Hang tight to my uterus and don’t let go ok? We can do this. We will beat this odd sayang. I love you so much no words are enough. Please be our little miracle.

You are always in my prayers. Always. Amin.

-Pu3-