The miscarriage story

After 2 days bedresting in the hospital, the bleeding seems to subside. I was happy to see no more fresh blood on my pad. Stains je. Yippee!! Boleh balik la ni, I thought.

Sepanjang I kat hospital they took my blood twice (48 hours apart). Dr Tan explained that the test results of those 2 samples will be compared. My HCG hormone level should rise up by 60% to indicate a progressive pregnancy. After the results came out, she came to see me to share the news.

“Your test results are not so good. The first HCG count is 1000 and the second is only 300. Usually, that’s an indicator that this pregnancy is not viable.”

I was trying to stay calm while listening to her. She wanted to do an ultrasound to double check and discuss D&C. She wanted me to be ready for any possibilities. I cuma kata “Let’s see the ultrasound first. Let me discuss with my husband and family.” Deep down inside, my heart said, “No way I’m going to do a D&C when I still have an HCG reading. 300 is still a number.”

Gee wasn’t there. He was at his mom’s with the kids for buka puasa. I called him and cried. Nak bercakap pun dia tak paham biji butir what I was saying. After composing myself, we discussed. We decided to wait. Wait for a miracle I guess.

At around 8pm, I went to take my shower. Suddenly something came out. Plup!! In the toilet bowl. Macam seketul daging. Small and bloody. Called the nurse and they took it out and inspected it. And they confirmed it’s it. My baby. My tiny 6-week embryo.

Called my mom and my family came to the hospital right away. Gee came with the kids right after. I was okay at that point. Although I was crushed inside, I redha. I took it all in slowly digesting the reality.

The next morning, Dr Tan came to check on me. She did another scan to make sure nothing is left inside. Alhamdulillah, semua dah keluar and no D&C needed. She just prescribed me with antibiotics and I was allowed to go home. Dapat MC to rest for a week.

We buried the embryo in our backyard. The hospital said “do you want to take it home or we can dispose it for you”. Baik bawak je balik kan. Tak kan nak biar them buang kot.

So that’s the story. Went home and rested some more. I received a lot of sms-es, calls, whatsapps, not forgetting comments on my FB and IG of well wishes, salam takziah and words of support. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Somehow those words of encouragement lifted up my spirit and kept me sane. Thank you to friends and families who reminded me to mandi wiladah, to berpantang, to keep my chin up, to think of my 2 beautiful boys, to rest a lot, to stay positive, among many others. I could have gone crazy without you. Of course I am most grateful to my Gee for taking care of the kids while I was in the hospital. To just be there when I needed a cry or to marah me when I need a snap out of it (that’s when I start talking nonsense la tu).

My little baby is now in a better place. I know this happened for a reason. A reason only Allah knows. Allah knows I can handle this loss better than anything. Allah knows I’m stronger that I know myself. Like I said, redha. I’m letting it go. Slowly but surely. Time will heal this pain.

Al-fatihah. I’ll see you when I see you sayang. Wait for mommy ya. I love you.


Our little angel

Last night 18 July 2013, we lost our baby. Innalillah. As much as I am sad and heart broken, saya redha. If this is not meant to be, it is not meant to be. Allah has better plans for me. Allah knows this is for the best.

Thank you for the well wishes and doa. Appreciate it very much.

Will talk more later. When I’m ready.


Our little surprise

A little bun is in the oven! Coming our way 2014. InsyaAllah.

Alhamdulillah. Rezeki yang tidak disangka-sangka. All this while we were struggling to conceive IY and Z, this time around contraceptive pun tak lut. Effort-less! LOL!!

Doakan a smooth journey for me ya! Toodles!



The above was supposed to be the entry I’ve drafted to be published AFTER my first gynae appointment. I was waiting for Dr Seri to confirm baru nak announce officially.

I’m 6 weeks into my pregnancy now. Last Saturday I had some spotting and at first I thought it was nothing. Implantation bleeding is normal during the early days. I had that masa IY dulu. It should go away within days.

But on Sunday I was shocked to see spots of fresh blood. Oh my! I know that’s not a good sign. After berbuka, we went to the ER and the MO gave me a shot. He referred me to the gynae on call for a full checkup the next day. I didn’t go to the appointment sebab the gynae was a guy. I called up a few more hospitals to fix appointment with a female gynae. Cari yang paling cepat tak payah Q lama-lama. Dapat Dr Suriati kat Pantai Cheras. She did a vaginal scan (see why I didn’t want male doc?) and confirmed that there’s a sac but the baby is too small to be seen.

I was prescribed with Duphaston pills and a lot of bed rest. Jalan pun kena slow-slow macam orang dalam pantang. Went home and rested some more.

That night I started to feel menstrual cramps. Memang sebijik rasa macam tengah period. The pain was bearable though. Takde la sampai tergolek menonggeng punya senggugut. The next morning my pad was soaked with blood. Memang terkejut sangat-sangat. I showed the pad to Gee and had a good cry. Luluh rasa hati ini. Gee consoled me. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. I must try to fight for our baby.

My cramps come and go like waves of contractions. I decided to go to the ER again because I was worried. They sent me straight to the gynae on call clinic. Though she’s not Dr Seri, any lady doc is fine by me. Dr Tan is a lovely lady. Soft spoken and asked a lot of questions. I like her. She did a vaginal scan (again!) on me and I saw the same thing Dr Suriati showed me semalam. Since I already had my pills, Dr Tan didn’t prescribe me any drugs. Her only prescription was to admit me and let me have a bedrest. Full rest without the kids without distractions.

So here I am. In the hospital room. Lying on the bed. Bored and missing my kiddos. This will be the first time ever Zayyan sleeps without me over night. I wish daddy good luck!

Pray for me and baby ya. I just hope there’s still hope. No matter what God has decided, I know it’s for the best.

Dear Baby,

Mama is doing my best to keep you safe and warm until the day you’ll be born. Please do your best too to stay strong and hold on. Hang tight to my uterus and don’t let go ok? We can do this. We will beat this odd sayang. I love you so much no words are enough. Please be our little miracle.

You are always in my prayers. Always. Amin.


My gynae

All along my pregnancy, I just referred her as Dr S.

My Dr S is Dr Seri Suniza if you haven’t known by now.

She is one cheerful doctor. From the start of my pregnancy, she was optimistic that I could go VBAC and at every appointment she would give me the kata-kata semangat. During my labour she was one patient doctor. Looking at my slow progress, never once she mentioned the word “csect” to me.

Last Monday was my last appointment with her. The post natal checkup. Tiba-tiba rasa rindu pulak nak datang every month for the scans and consultations. Tapi perasaan itu kejap je lah. Bila fikirkan sakit thanks.

Before we said our goodbyes, cheerfully she said “I’ll see you in 3 years”. Errr…dan tiba-tiba memori sakit itu kembali lagi. Oh!

My Dr S

Just in case she’s reading, thank you for taking good care of me. I had a wonderful pregnancy with you.


The birth of Zayyan Umar: The next long hours

The pain killer has worn off. I’m back to the crying and groaning in pain. Kesian Gee. He didn’t sleep a wink during those hours. Tertido duduk je waiting for me. Luckily the hospital has free wifi. Bawak laptop and he’s good to go. Kalau dia dok mengadap me in pain 24/7, I get stressed too. Stress sebab selalu kena tanya “Sakit ke?” For me, the pain management was better when hubby is “not” around. Bukan not around takde langsung, but not around in the sense that takde la dia duduk tepi kita setiap masa. Although maybe some mommies nak daddies around to hold hand and go through breathing techniques semua tu. Not me lah. Dulu maybe I thought I’m like that, tapi bila sampai the real situation, rupanya I prefer to focus on the pain and deal with it on my own. Tapi of course with his presence. He was there to get me water, suap makan or just sometimes just nak picit tangan dia kuat2 lepas geram. Haha!

Okayy back to the story.

At 2-3-ish am that Saturday, I asked if I can have the epidural. Dah tak tahan. They said okay since I was 2.5cm dilated and sent me to the labour room. Pasang drip segala and put me on BP machine all the time. The BP machine automatically did the reading every now & then. My BP was high throughout. At 4am, the anesthesiologist came to do the epidural procedure. The friendly Indian doctor came and explained the procedure to us. I wasn’t really paying attention coz I was in pain. The contraction was really strong masa tu. I had to sit and bend myself hugging a pillow. Gee was sitting in front of me and holding my hand. Then the big needle was inserted into my spine. Warghh!! Sangat perit..I squeezed Gee’s hand very very tight and I could see dia macam terkejut sebab kuat sangat kot. Sampai merah! Haha!

Lepas epi dah started to take effect, I felt the numbness kat kaki. The pain started to go away. And I could finally sleep. Of course Gee could sleep too. Kesejukan dia dalam labour room tu. Sampai nurse kesian tengok dia mengerekot atas sofa sleeping and offered him blanket. As for me, tak rasa sejuk pun, berpeluh2 lagi ada lah!

I opted for the lowest dosage of epi coz I still wanted to feel the urge to push. Tak nak lah sampai tak rasa apa2 and tak tau nak push. Dah la memang tak tau nak push. Main belasah je teran. I woke up around Subuh when Gee told me he wanted to have a shower and solat kat ward. Masa tu rasa penat tapi sakit tak rasa sangat. Still rasa kaki berat and kebas. Since I couldn’t move sebab the CTG was strapped around my belly, the BP machine pun strapped around my arm and the drips segala, Gee helped me to freshen up, wash my face, brush  my teeth and have my breakfast. Then Dr S came in to check on me. I was 4cm dilated. She broke my waterbag and predicted I would be done by noon. She said I can start drinking my air selusuh now. Little did she know that my air selusuh dah habis dah semalam!

Noon came and I’m still 4-5cm…the pain has started to take up notch by notch. But the epi dosage remained the same. So there I was trying to find my dot – the one focal point where I can direct my pain to. But to no avail.

There’s one mommy in the room nearby kept screaming and groaning in pain. Boleh dengar sampai my room okeh? Her shouting was disturbing and scaring the hell out of me. I heard the nurses were rushing to her and I think I heard that she was already 7cm. Everytime she screamed, I had to tutup telinga. Gee pun tak kasi I dengar takut I jadi phobia nak beranak japgi. Scary okehh! Dia menjerit sakit tu bukan macam menangis sakit mintak simpati punya style, but more to like merengus and marah kind of jerit. I wonder if the hubby was there too. Habis la agaknye dikerjakan isteri yang sakit nak bersalin. Later I found out that she’s was a Russian who refused on epidural or any kind of pain relief (Yes, I’m nosy – dalam sakit pun boleh menyibuk..haha!)

Fast forward, I was fully dilated 10cm around 6pm. They switched off the epi machine. Dr S asked me to wait until I have the urge to push. For a good 1/2 hour I was on full swing of pain since there was no epi for me anymore. Altho the kebas kaki still terasa, the contractions were strong and Gee held my hand coaching me to focus on the feeling to push. I kept dozing off during the contraction free period and he was there to tepuk2 my pipi waking me up to focus. Suddenly, I felt the feeling of something coming out of me. Cepat2 tekan bell nurse, and yang kelakarnya, we heard the nurses & Dr S kat luar went “HAAA!! TU DIA!!”…Sempat la saya tergelak kejap.

They put me up on the stirups and taught me how to hold on to the hand lever to pull myself forward. Dr S told Gee to support my head and make sure that my chin touched my chest. I remembered there were 3 Indian nurses holding each of my thigh and coaching me to breathe and push, At first I had no idea how to do it. Tau teran je. When they say “curi nafas” I was thinking “curi nafas” tu apa?

After 2-3 sets of pushing, I finally learned the trick. The nurse showed me how to do it. We started with a 10 count then up to 15. And dia kira punya la slow. Kalau ikut kita nak kira laju2 je. Dr S kept motivating me saying that “dah nampak kepala dah ni mommy, rambut dah nampak ni”…pastu she asked Gee to come over to see it so that Gee could motivate me too. But I wasn’t listening much. Everything seemed so blur to me. I was focusing on my contractions so that I know when to push. Everytime I pushed, I looked at Dr S and the nurse to see their reactions to each other. If I wasn’t doing it right, I could see their eye contact “talking” to each other. When I’m doing it right, their face lit up and kept nodding at each other. In between the pushings, Dr S suruh I minum air. Memang macam marathon lah!

Finally, Dr S said to me “Puteri, come on you can do this. Nak tengok baby you tak? I kasi cermin nak?” I was like “Hah!!Errk!! Err…boleh la kot. Entah, tak tau”. One of the nurses took a big mirror (macam kat salon) and showed me down there. Dr S said “See how close you are. Sikit je lagi and it’s over.” I tried another set of pushing again…and voila…ZAYYAN UMAR is out!!!

And I cried. Alhamdulillah, he’s finally here.


The birth of Zayyan Umar: The first 12 hours

A sharp period cramp woke me up at 4.45am that Friday morning. But to me that’s normal coz I’ve been having that kinda pain for the past week or so. I couldn’t get back to sleep and just went online to check on my office mails and what nots. After Gee & IY went off to work and nursery, I tried to go back to sleep and dapat la nap kejap. Around 9am, went online with my office and finish off some pending work (it’s salary was an extra busy day for us).

From there on, I just felt the pain getting closer to each other. I was thinking “is this for real?”. Tapi macam ragu2 je sebab dah 2 kali false alarm. I just wanna be sure that I won’t be sent home yet again. By 11am, the pain got more intense and I somehow was pretty sure that was it. I told Gee that I wanna go to the hospital after the Friday prayers (I knew he was very busy that day and I felt bad to interrupt his schedule). While waiting for him, I had lunch and got ready. Gee came home at 1++ and ready for the mosque. I on the other hand was walking in the house macam orang tak betul dah. Everytime the contraction waves came, I just had to walk. Kalau duduk lagi sakit. Sambil jalan I was reciting the ayat kursi, doa nabi yunus, selawat and zikir, minum air zam zam & air selusuh. I also “talked” to baby Z. I told him that this is going to be a journey for him too. He has to be strong for me as I will be for him. I told him, when I push, you have to pull yourself out too! Pep talk la konon!

Then at 2++ Gee came home and I was already crying. Tapi bukan crying yang meraung2 tu la…just air mata meleleh2 non stop. Nasib baik tak jam sangat despite it was a Friday lunch hour. Arrived the hospital at 3pm and was wheeled to the Labour Room instantly. The CTG showed that I had real contractions this time. Oh how happy I was! Then they did the VE but I was only opened 1cm. Macam frust la jugak tapi takpe lah, at least the contractions were not false alarm dah. They called Dr S and she advised that I lepak kat ward dulu. They foresee that this was going to take some time.

At about 6pm, Dr S came to see me in my room. She said she’s going to wait and see my progress until the next day before decides on induction. If my openings were not favourable, they will induce me by Subuh time. She asked about my pain relief options and I decided to go on epidural. I knew I wouldn’t be able to cope with the pain if it’s going to take until the next Subuh. Dr S was happy with my decision coz she didn’t want me to stress with the pain as it will stress the baby too. Happy mommy, happy baby. Sad mommy, sad baby.

By Maghrib time I took a long hot shower..lega la sikit..air panas tu tembak kat pinggang tu sedap je rasa.The whole night I was coping not too bad with the pain..jalan around bilik..baring..jalan lagi…squatting. Sempat berfacebook, check emails and sms lagi. My mom masa sms siap tanya..tak macam orang nak beranak pun..relax je. Haa ma, masa tengah takde contraction memang lalala…bila dia datang…uwawawaa laa!

Tapi around 10-11pm-ish…dah tak larat nak buat semua tu. I asked the nurse bila boleh amik epidural? She said usually masa 3cm dah boleh amik dah..then she checked on me and I was only around 1.5cm to 2cm je. Oh my god! Dari petang tadi naik 1 cm je?? The nurse offered me injection pain killer cucuk kat my butt. I welcome any pain killer with open arms!!Give it to meeee!!!! Tapi cucuk tu punya la sakitttt!!Cucuk ni tak termasuk category semut api okehh!!It’s perit, painful and lamaaaaa nye ubat tu nak masuk. The nurse did warn me la..injection ni lain sikit tau.

Tak sampai berapa minute I felt so light and everything seems dancing around me…I’m in Lala Land!!! Weeeee!!!! I think I was saying something to Gee and sempat gelak2…and Gee said “Tido je la cepat! Macam high apa je ni!!.”

Then I can’t remember anything dah. Until I woke up at pain.

…to be continued.


Another false alarm

This morning I had a bloody show. I hyperventilated for a second thinking “this is it!”. Gee was online and I YM-ed asking him to come home. Then I texted my mom asking her a favour to pick up IY at daycare and let him stay with her.

While waiting for Gee, I went to get ready. Took a shower and packed IY’s bag. Thinking that I will need a lot of energy, sempat lagi makan nasi sepinggan. Wakaka!

Then off we went to the ER..again.

CTG and VE..again.

No (major) contraction, no opening..again.

But this time, since my labour sign was more significant than the last, the midwife called Dr S at her clinic and asked me if I wanna stay in or go home. Only come back if I’m having consistent contractions. We chose to go home, of course!

And the waiting game continues.


While waiting….

Here are the links of a few birth stories I read while waiting for MY own story to tell:

1. Birth of Mia by Mama AdaMia

2. The Birth Story of Muhammad via Hynobirth

3. Birth of Zayn by Mommy Zura

4. I googled and found this..I made my hubby read it..hehe!

5. Birth of Kafeel by Mommy Falindah

6. Carol’s Birth Story – Baby Sophie

7. Nannoor’s Birth Story – Baby Nadha Haseena

8. The PinkStilettos

9. FoxyFarah’s labour experience with Dr S

10. Munirah’s 12 minutes labour experience

Ada lagi sebenarnya but I have forgotten to bookmark them.


We’re engaged

And by “we”, I meant me & baby.

Went for our (hopefully last) checkup today. Dr S did her routine check on me. Scanning and feeling my tummy. Oh how happy I was when she said “Yup, the baby’s in!”. Now we wait. Wait for showtime! And while waiting, she advised me to walk a lot, squat a lot and be active. I’ll be needing all the energy and flexibility in the labour room.

At 38 weeks, baby is 2.9kg and mommy gained another 1.7kg.

We did chat about my false alarm on Wednesday. She explained to me the whole labour thingy..siap tunjuk the chart of the internal cervix. I told her my VE drama and she simply laughed. And that brought me to talking about the pain relief options. She said not to worry, it will be offered to me. Tapi terlupa nak cakap pasal dosage.

She kept convincing me that I deserve a chance for a normal delivery. She loves seeing the satisfaction in every mommy when they have successfully delivered their baby naturally. She wants to see that in me too. Aww..terharu pulak rasa. Semangat dah naik balik sikit. =)

Next appointment will be on 27 June. Harap2 tak sampai ke situ lah.

Nota kaki: Aaron Aziz’s wife was sitting not too far from me in the waiting room. But I had no idea who she was at first. Until the nurses were like on happy-dural upon seeing her.. “Kirim salam kat SETH TAN ye?” Pastu she said “alaa tu cite je la..dengan I pun dia tak macam tu”..pastu ada la kuar the word my husband this my husband that. Dia siap promote cite KL Gangster lagi to them.

Oleh sebab tak nak nampak jakun, I texted Gee (who was sitting beside me) “tu bini Aaron Aziz ke?”

I know, silly me! Star strucked tak tentu pasal. Baru jumpa bini. Kalau AA ada skali tadi, entah la apa jadi.

Balik rumah terus google. Sah!


Am I ready for this?

Yeah, I’m still here. Pregnant and all. *Yawn*

Last night I thought I was in labour. Or maybe not. Maybe I just wanted to know what’s taking too long. The baby was not moving too much and for every Braxton Hicks I felt, it hurt when I tried to walk. Been on my butt the whole day in front of the telly and lappie just because it was too uncomfortable to move about.

We went to the ER at about 9ish after dinner and Isyak. They wheeled me to the Labour Room and as usual put me on the CTG machine. After about 1/2 hour, the midwife/nurse said that my contraction was very mild and not ready for labour yet. I was expecting that. But hearing the baby’s heartbeat made me feel happy. Although he was not moving much, the midwife said “heartbeat baby cantik puan, don’t worry”. Lega.

Then it was time for VE. Yikes!!! Why did nobody ever tell me that VE was, was…LIKE THAT???!!! Why people why??? I do not want to go into details. I’m sure all mommies out there know what VE is. It was a nightmare for me. I cringed, was sweating buckets, cried and shivered right after. And for the first time, I had pregnancy insomnia that night. The nurse said I have a retroverted uterus. Yes, I know I have a tilted uterus, it’s no biggie. Having a tilted uterus is like being a leftie. All I could think of was “macam mana nak beranak ni?? VE pun dah nangis.”

After all that drama (by me), the nurse called Dr S and she let me go home. I was happy to go home. Suddenly I was not ready for labour. Tak sabar nak balik and peluk IY. Suddenly, I was thinking of c-sect. Suddenly, I was thinking of epidural. Suddenly, I don’t mind if baby wants to stay inside of me a little bit longer. Suddenly, I was not looking forward to my appointment tomorrow.

Oh btw, the result? Mild contraction, baby’s not engaged yet (still senget ke tepi) and no opening. Great, just great.

Nasib baik bill Rm11.50 je.